5 posts tagged “spam”
Even if Attila isnt looking to get laid, he is one lucky guy. Hanging out in a small coffee shop he finds himself sitting next to a hot blonde. he strikes up a nice conversation with her using all of his charm, and she is very receptive. he decides to take her to a quit place... (Welcome to Spam Stories... a randomly occurring series wherein I write something starting with lines from a junk email). ... I mean a QUIET place, as "quit" places aren't all that conducive to the kind of "romance" Attila was going for with the hot blond, hereafter to be referred to as HB. (We needn't give her an actual name because HB in this story isn't a person so much as a collection of attractive and curvaceous body parts for Attila to plunder and fondle as he sees fit. After all - that's what his EXTREMELY LARGE PENIS, hereafter to be referred to as ELP, entitles him to). So anyway... a quiet place. Attila and HB saunter through the doors of the quiet place, HB in the lead so that Attila can watch her hips sway as she walks. They choose a nice, quiet table at the back of the room, one that Attila knows very well. As HB lowers herself into the chair, her skirt rising coyly, he thinks to himself about all the time spent sitting at this table alone, quietly hating women he could never have, indeed all women (except for his Mom) - and wishes, again, that he'd received that advertisement for the penis enlargement patch sooner. Sitting beside her, he flags down the waitress and slips his hand cunningly underneath HB's ass, pushing the skirt even higher to reveal a couple of freckles on her thigh. HB squirms a bit, flushes and giggles but can't seem to come up with anything to say - just the way Attila likes 'em. When the Waitress finally arrives, Attila makes sure to turn so that she gets the best possible view of his ELP. That email promised him threesomes and, by George, he's going to have one! But as he raises his eyes to ogle the breasts he's sure to be playing with tonight he starts to notice something amiss. Waitress doesn't appear to have noticed ELP because she's staring so intently at HB. While he appreciates that she's interested in her soon to be sandwich-mate, he'd prefer she be more interested in him. He clears his throat, "Excuse me - I'd like a long island iced tea, extra long, like me," he waits for a reaction... gets nothing but a raised eyebrow. "She'll have 3 shots of the cheapest tequila you have, no lime." HB squirms a little more at this and Attila thinks he hears her mumble something about not liking tequila, but doesn't care. His ELP means she'll drink whatever he wants, and he wants her drunk and pliable. He moves closer to HB, close enough for his ELP to touch her leg and gives her his best piercing stare. She flushes again and looks away. *OKAY - WAIT WAIT WAIT. When did I become a porn writer?! When did I become a misogynist pig? I don't like it - Bad! Bad!! This episode is over!! Over!!! (But for the record I was going to try to steer the story so that the waitress picked up HB and took her out of the bar. I think it was going to end with the waitress asking her name, 'cause that would be nice contrast with Attila's complete disregard for the fact that she was, you know, a person. Also for the record, any misogyny on my part was purely sarcastic and only continuing with the tone of the original email). Plus - I never managed to work in the fact that the subject line of this message was about fisting - which is what prompted me to write about it in the first place - because don't you think some guy who would order those projects would be much more inclined to want to use his ELP instead of his fist? I certainly do. So again with the nonsensical spam. Ah well... it's only the first episode. I'll get better with practice, right?
I love spam. Every other month I check the general email here at the clinic, most of which is spam. Most of that is spam selling penis enlargement products - which are my favorite. The subject lines of these emails range from the overly simplistic, as in the title of this post (really, is that what my life is missing?!), to the graphic:
The best juicy pussies are waiting to be drilled with your new big penis (they're all waiting for YOU, Big Boy! Juicy!)
To the blatantly misogynistic (okay, they're all misogynistic, but this one is especially bad):
Stretch her ass wide open with your new dick size
Seriously, did they have to go there? But today... today I think my favorite arrived:
Right, that's exactly why that happened. The logic here is amazing! Buddy, if your girlfriend left you for a chick, it wasn't because your penis wasn't big enough, I promise. At least they were kind enough to include a picture to demonstrate the effectiveness of their product.
Now some feminists would be offended by this stuff - and on a certain level I am. My take on this, however, is that these ads are so ridiculous it's not worth the effort to be offended. Besides, I try really hard not to think about the fact that these might actually work. I tell myself that the people for whom these emails are intended, the men who click on the picture of the hot chicks making out because he thinks they want him to drill their juicy pussies with his HUGE penis, are so backward as to not know how to use email. That's got to be the way it works, right?
Yeah - it's nice in my world. None of that pesky reality stuff allowed here.
More from the spam folder of my work. I just can't get enough:
You can tie a ribbon on your dick and take it for a useless souvenir or you can try Viagra Soft Tabs and use it right. What color ribbon do you think they recommend? Who do you think sits around coming up with these?!?!
This appears to be your typical spam message... until you get to the VERY bottom. Then it's just funny: Hello Tom I was let go from my employment I held for what seemed like forever. Its hard to thank you enough for starting me in this new profession. You have given me a fresh start on life. Already taking home twice as much as I realized in my old job. I took delivey of a new Jag. Taking home 150,000US in 18 months. Having a ball in this career. Its fun and I am a hero to the judges and to my clientele. What an exciting profession to be in. Carefully following exactly what your training recommends me to do, is proceeding better than I ever dreamed possible. I go to the local court house and locate all of the clientele I can handle. I use your advanced reporting services to find all items which can be garnished. Using your fill in the blank forms I send them thru the post office to the appropriate firms. Then the funds arrive to my PO Box. Its like magic. Every day is like Christmas. I can take a holiday when ever I have the notion to do so. Germany and China this year. Please provide this letter to others. This profession is so massive it needs many more of us assisting the courts and the people who have been hurt Sincerely, Amparo A. NJ This may well be you! Dial 3_0_3*395---3900 Above line to study more or to stop receiving additional information and then to see location Come in big boats. White man all bad. I seriously have no idea what this means - but I'm intrigued!!! I think there's some sort of conspiracy to take all the white men away in big boats. Or maybe to abandon them all, by traveling in big boats away from them. Perhaps this is how the Evil White Male Regime will fall!! I intend to keep a close eye on my inbox - and will keep the general population informed. We must remain alert - this could be our chance, ladies!!! Down with the patriarchy!!
