dancing on the edge of girldom

Paying attention

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:29:36 -0700

I'm starting to get the picture that I don't pay enough attention to what is going on in my own head/body. For example:

http://www.tophotbutches.com/

Discovered this on Monday night, read through it and went on my merry way. It wasn't until I came up this:

http://feministing.com/archives/016273.html#comments

That I realized that something about the list had bothered me. I'm not trying to play catch up here, all "oh! Yeah! That totally bothered me too" just because I think it should. It really did - I just wasn't able to identify what was going on exactly. Is that because I don't always have my social analysis glasses in? Because I'm too easily distractable?

I don't know.

But if I'm going to truly start making a difference in this crazy place, I'm going to have to figure that out.

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I am alive... I am beautiful... what else is there?

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 13:31:22 -0700

I've been reading (slowly) the journals of Susan Sontag. Came upon this passage just now and felt that I needed to repeat it; partially so that it's here where I can find it quick-reference like, partially because I want to type it to get it into my head and other-partially because it really fits the theme of my little blog (see tag line above):

(She wrote this after her first sexual experience with a woman. Immediately preceding this she'd been talking of caring only about knowledge and the body/physical being meaningless. And that being alive/dying didn't really matter because of the above).

I knew everything then, nor have I forgotten it now...

...And what am I now, as I write this? Nothing less than an entirely different person... The experience of this weekend could not have been more perfectly timed--And I was so close to completely negating myself or surrendering altogether. My conept of sexuality is so altered--Thank god!--bisexuality as the expression of fullness of an individiaul--and an honest rejection of the--yes--perversion which limits sexual experience, attempts to de-physicalize it, in such conepts as the idealization of chastity until the "right person" comes along--the whole ban on pure physical sensation without love, on promiscuity...

I know now a little of my capacity... I know what I want to do with my life, all of this being so simple, but so difficult for me in the past to know. I want to sleep with many peole--I want to live and hate to die--I will NOT teach, or get a master's after I get my B.A... I don't intend to let my intellect dominate me, and the last thing I want to do is worship knowledge or people who have knowledge! I don't give a damn for anyone's aggregation of facts, except in that it be a reflection [of] basic sensititivy which I do demand... I intend to do everything... to have one way of evaluating experience--does it cause me pleasure or pain, and I shall be very cautious about rejecting the painful--I shall anticipate pleasure everywhere and find it, to, for it is everwhere! I shall involve myself wholly... EVERYTHING MATTERS! The only thing I resign is the power to resign, to retreat: the acceptance of sameness and the intellect. I am alive... I am beautiful.. what else is there?

And also just because it's wonderful.

(From Susan Sontag, Reborn. Journals and Notebooks 1947-1963)

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It's okay, if it'll save the government money, I don't really need equal rights.

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 18:46:03 -0700

Reading up on the DOMA decision:

DOMA ensures that evolving understandings of the institution of marriage at the State level do not place greater financial and administrative obligations on federal and state benefits programs. Preserving scarce government resources — and deciding to extend benefits incrementally — are well-recognized legitimate interests under rational-basis review.

So what, we can only afford to spend MY tax dollars to support hetero marriages? It's okay to discriminate if we save money?!

Oh, and also, it's okay because no one is imposing this lack of right as a means to gain supremacy for one specific group:

Loving v. Virginia [interracial marriage] is not to the contrary. There the Supreme Court rejected a contention that the assertedly "equal application" of a statute prohibiting interracial marriage immunized the statute from strict scrutiny. 388 U.S. 1, 8, 87 S.Ct. 1817, 18 L.Ed.2d 1010 (1967). The Court had little difficulty concluding that the statute, which applied only to "interracial marriages involving white persons," was "designed to maintain White Supremacy" and therefore unconstitutional. Id. at 11. No comparable purpose is present here, however, for DOMA does not seek in any way to advance the "supremacy" of men over women, or of women over men. Thus DOMA cannot be "traced to a . . . purpose" to discriminate against either men or women. Personnel Adm'r v. Feeney, 442 U.S. 256, 272, 99 S. Ct. 2282, 60 L.Ed.2d 870 (1979). In upholding the traditional definition of marriage, numerous courts have expressly rejected an alleged analogy to Loving.

Oh, but it's all okay, because it's not because they don't like me. Really, guys - it's nothing personal:

Under our federalist system, preserving the autonomy of state and federal governments to address evolving definitions of an age-old societal institution is itself a legitimate governmental interest. Moreover, because DOMA protected "the ability of elected officials to decide matters related to homosexuality," including their right to recognize same-sex marriage, it plainly was not born solely as a result of animosity towards homosexuals.

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Not enough

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:00:34 -0800

I work with cancer patients. Not directly; I talk to them on the phone - often just after they've received a diagnosis and are crying and lost and scared. I don't treat them, I don't counsel them - I simply point them in the right direction, give them the very first in a long series of steps they'll take in their treatment. I work for a non-profit institution that exists to help people.

It is not enough.

I work at a children's theater. Our students are primarily affluent white kids who'll go to top notch colleges and go on to great upper-middle class lives. I am completely open about my sexuality with them. My hope is that they'll get to know me and who I love and remember it in the future. That when they're given the chance to voice their opinion or vote on the rights of others they'll remember working with me and who I was to them. I hope that by being open they'll feel like they can come to me with any of their own questions about their sexuality (or anything else) in the future and know that I will support them.

It is not enough.

We've protested, we've marched. We've made signs and written letters just like them. Pithy little videos and t-shirts. We've protested in the only way that we're allowed to anymore - with permits and regulations. We've protested but we haven't disrupted anything.

It is not enough.

I remember watching footage of Vietnam and Civil Rights protests as a child and wishing I could be there. Those people made a difference in the world and I wanted to be a part of it. They were beaten, arrested and killed standing up for what they believed in. They took to the streets and they stopped traffic and they created tension. They stook in front of tanks and public buildings. They created a need for the folks in office to deal with and solve the problem because they gave them no other choice.

Lately I have this nagging feeling, like I've forgotten something, that no matter what I do it's not enough. I NEED to quit my job and stand outside on the street screaming until the people hear that I'm a person too. I want to tear down walls, burn leaders in effigy, make speeches, go to jail - fight for my rights just like the bill of rights says I should. But I want to do it RIGHT NOW. I'm sitting here and I can feel this little bubble building inside and sometimes I feel like I'm just going to burst - but I don't know what to do with that energy.

Can anyone tell me?

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Puppy butts!!

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:26:33 -0800

photo.jpg

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Reason why Obama is great, #437

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 10:07:22 -0800

From this CNN story:

But in the interview Wednesday, Obama suggested keeping his BlackBerry is one way he could stay connected to the real world.

"I've got to look for every opportunity to do that – ways that aren't scripted, ways that aren't controlled, ways where, you know, people aren't just complimenting you or standing up when you enter into a room, ways of staying grounded," he said.

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Nationwide Prop 8 Protest on Saturday

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:40:51 -0800

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/?t=anon

GO!!!!

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Aimless blogging

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:57:06 -0800

Sitting in a Tully's, because they have free Wi-Fi and I'm early to the Island. Decided I wanted to be where no one knew me or would interrupt me. Hopefully the guy I sat next to doesn't mind my incessant typing. Don't suppose I'll know if he does though, so I'm going to decide he doesn't.

Oh - but now he's leaving. Well, I'm not going to let it effect me. If his personal space is that large, he has bigger problems than my clicking.

I so very rarely have time to just sit and be me. Listen to music (Spring Awakening), poke around on the internet, blog without a purpose. I forget that I need time like that. This afternoon I went home after the school show, finished a book (it was only so-so), cleaned up a little, danced a little and just enjoyed being in my apartment. Then I took a basket of clothes I've had sitting around since May to a donation place and drove out to the Island in afternoon Seattle traffic with a sugar-FULL Redbull, just to be different.

When I allow myself the time, when I don't distract myself with a million other things designed to keep me from thinking too much - I find this totally different person that I forget about all the rest of the days. I feel like anything is possible, like I really could do anything. Like that's not actually a line of crap parents feed their kids so that they'll go to college and move out on their own. I believe it - and the possibilities are so endless I can't decide which to choose. That's when I tell myself that I can change the world, that anything I do can have an effect. That's when I feel like I have a modicum of artistic talent(?), drive(?). It's when I want to write blogs and organize protests and produce shows and join the peace corp and travel the world.

I feel like I've written this blog before - which tells you something about the permanence of this mood. I wish I knew how to keep it for more than an afternoon, through the distraction of rehearsals and emails. Who knows what I could do if I could only figure that out?

Spring Awakening (2006 Original Broadway Cast)

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My new Tattoo!!

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 12:45:28 -0800

My new tattoo is based on the following bit of text (from a Sandman graphic novel, by Neil Gaiman):

The moment she realized what was happening, that the universe was changing, that she was growing up, or at least, growing older... she was no longer Delight; and the blossoms had already begun to fall in her domain, becoming smudged and formless colors, and she had no one to talk to...

I freakin' love it! Erika at Slave to the Needle did an amazing job.

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Do you know what that means for me?!

nobody@vox.com(m e g g a n) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 20:43:31 -0800

My student stage manager hadn't realized when we were all jumping around on stage screaming that it meant that the election was actually over and Obama had won. So when we told her, "No, McCain conceded!!" she too jumped up and down and screamed. Then she said, as she was jumping,

"Do you know what that means for me?! Money for college and no draft!!"

And that folks, is why I voted for Obama. I seriously cried.

The other quote, from my light board operator, "This is, like, history."

Happy Election country! You did good!

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