Not enough

I work with cancer patients. Not directly; I talk to them on the phone - often just after they've received a diagnosis and are crying and lost and scared. I don't treat them, I don't counsel them - I simply point them in the right direction, give them the very first in a long series of steps they'll take in their treatment. I work for a non-profit institution that exists to help people.

It is not enough.

I work at a children's theater. Our students are primarily affluent white kids who'll go to top notch colleges and go on to great upper-middle class lives. I am completely open about my sexuality with them. My hope is that they'll get to know me and who I love and remember it in the future. That when they're given the chance to voice their opinion or vote on the rights of others they'll remember working with me and who I was to them. I hope that by being open they'll feel like they can come to me with any of their own questions about their sexuality (or anything else) in the future and know that I will support them.

It is not enough.

We've protested, we've marched. We've made signs and written letters just like them. Pithy little videos and t-shirts. We've protested in the only way that we're allowed to anymore - with permits and regulations. We've protested but we haven't disrupted anything. 

It is not enough.

I remember watching footage of Vietnam and Civil Rights protests as a child and wishing I could be there. Those people made a difference in the world and I wanted to be a part of it. They were beaten, arrested and killed standing up for what they believed in. They took to the streets and they stopped traffic and they created tension. They stook in front of tanks and public buildings. They created a need for the folks in office to deal with and solve the problem because they gave them no other choice.

Lately I have this nagging feeling, like I've forgotten something, that no matter what I do it's not enough. I NEED to quit my job and stand outside on the street screaming until the people hear that I'm a person too. I want to tear down walls, burn leaders in effigy, make speeches, go to jail - fight for my rights just like the bill of rights says I should. But I want to do it RIGHT NOW. I'm sitting here and I can feel this little bubble building inside and sometimes I feel like I'm just going to burst - but I don't know what to do with that energy.

Can anyone tell me?